Marriage Archives - The Voice of Job Seekers

8 Ways Marriage Can Strengthen Married Job Seekers

We’re one, but we’re not the same

We get to carry each other…

One, U2

Over the years, I weight-lifted alone, but when I needed a spotter, there were people at my gym who helped me. Spotters are essential when the weight becomes too heavy. This year, I hurt my shoulder lifting weights even though I had someone to help. The injury wasn’t serious, but it could have been worse without help.

I learned to cope with it and the occasional throbbing, and it hasn’t stopped me. I can do other workouts and avoid that body part, which is what most people would do. Or I can do a different exercise requiring me to recruit other muscles to help that muscle.

If my body were my marriage and my shoulder were my job search, I would need my spouse to compensate for encouragement and strength when my job search was difficult. When I exert more with my weaker shoulder, I experience discomfort and more pain. So I need her to give me her version of a deep tissue massage on demand (asking oh so nicely). I do it for her when she needs it. At least that’s the way it should be. Right?

We’re taught in school, Sunday school, and marriage counseling that two are better than one in school, fitness, and business. Then how is it weirdly practiced when it comes to marriage? Studies show a two-person leadership team thrives, so why can’t marriage? It’s almost like we have this limiting belief that marriage cannot possibly benefit the careers of both spouses. When it comes to marriage and the careers of spouses, it gets weird, but it shouldn’t be.

I agree with experts: Constant communication is key. I found eight ways your marriage empowers your career when communication is a priority:

1. Your spouse knows how your strengths and weaknesses manifest

After the first six months, spouses discover how each other’s strengths and weaknesses affect their relationship. They will tell you honestly (although not always in the best way) what it looks like to them. Don’t take years to trust their judgment about what it looks like to others. It’s possible to look one way to employers and another to your network. Just as in weight-lifting, you need the spotter for the rep you can’t finish.

2. Access the power of your spouse’s network

You never know who your spouse is connected to in their network. You double your network and maybe your “net worth” in opportunities. And remember both sets of parents in having an immediate reach of contacts. For your in-laws to say they would like to refer their son-in-law or daughter-in-law carries weight.

Read 10 Ways Your Spouse Can Boost Your Career

3. Tell the truth

It’s always best to surround yourself with people who will be direct and truthful with you. In so many words, the times when I said the load was too heavy, like a spotter she shouted, “You can do it!” Everyone needs a spotter like her. This “spurring on” works best when more time is spent building each other up. Tearing down your spouse is easy because you know where the weaknesses are — but build each other up quickly with the truth, so those weaknesses are stronger than before. The process hurts but mostly needed to help your spouse’s career goals.

4. Bring out the best

Through competitive agitation or spurring one on to do their best, a spouse has a way of pressing the right buttons. It doesn’t always take someone understanding the full scope of the other’s profession.

Everyone needs courage, patience, persistence, perseverance, and resilience. A spouse in more ways than one inspires like no one.

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5. Sustain positivity

Your home is your refuge from work and frankly from the rest of the world, due to a unique but powerful character trait stemming from both people. When the home environment is fun, inspiring, and peaceful, it is a powerful tool to help during a long and discouraging job search.

Read Why Has Your Spouse Lost Her Mind When You Lost Your Job

6. Carry each other

Marriage requires 100% out of each, not 50–50. There are times when you’ll need to carry each other in your job search and workplace trials. The strongest marriages thrive by both spouses carrying a load physically, financially, and spiritually at some point. One may have a more responsive network than the other. “Your network is my network” should be the attitude.

7. Be a cheerleader/coach/encourager

My wife is the greatest source of encouragement I have. My mom is an excellent source, but no one energizes me like my wife. Conversely, no one can crush my feelings like my wife. When I had times of unemployment, I stayed on her good side as much as possible, which meant more than spending much of my time looking for a job.

Letting the frustration from your job search come to your home to ransack it is a mistake. You need all the encouragement you can get.

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8. Buffer the blows

When a job seeker senses things are terrible, the working spouse can help put things in perspective. All of us need a listening ear to make sense of nonsense and help defuse bombs before they go off. There is no such thing as a smooth job search.

When one spouse is going through a job search, then both are experiencing the effects. It can consume both spouses if it becomes a slow process. That is why it’s better for both to work as a team to shorten the search. Most people think about their contributions in one way, but there are many ways to lessen the stress and anxiety of uncertainty. One thing for sure: It’s helpful for the job-seeking spouse not to go it alone.

About Mark Anthony Dyson

I am the "The Voice of Job Seekers!" I offer compassionate career and job search advice as I hack and re-imagine the job search process. You need to be "the prescription to an employer's job description." You must be solution-oriented and work in positions in companies where you are the remedy. Your job search must be a lifestyle, and your career must be in front of you constantly. You can no longer shed your aspirations at the change seasons. There are strengths you have that need constant use and development. Be sure you sign up to download my E-Book, "421 Modern Job Search Tips 2021!" You can find my career advice and work in media outlets such as Forbes, Inc., Fast Company, Harvard Business Review, Glassdoor, and many other outlets.

How to Create Realistic Expectations During Your Job Search

Your job search needs to be dynamic, but based on realistic expectations. We envy those who make it look easy. I liken it to getting and staying married. When I met my wife, it wasn’t “love at first sight.”

Are you ready for an emotional ride of sorts? Are you willing to employ grit and grind? That’s what it will take in 2017 and beyond. There is a lot of waiting, too. This is only one part of the job search because smart and savvy job seekers understand it’s a combination of their network, timing, and a strong personal brand in concert. A big part of it is your understanding of what an employer needs. Perhaps they need you at this time.

You won’t know until you’re willing to be a little bold (which is a realistic expectation).

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Looking at how easily other job seekers get jobs can hurt your mindset. I remember watching other couples, I wanted to be them, but with the right girl. It was going to take time—so will your job search.

Listen to Does Diversity and Inclusion Matter to Your Career Anymore?

Is your job search network friendly? Are you prepared for incremental gains? Will you be persistent and resilient enough to remain the focus for a possible 6-9 month job search? The Bureau of Labor and Statistics says unemployment is below 5%, but people are more transient in their careers. Yes, baby boomers will work until they are 75 years old, but many people are advancing their careers by changing jobs. Right now, there are active and underemployed job seekers on the market, taking advantage of their employability by remaining employed while looking.

There won’t be an easy way to do it either. Today’s job search requires 100% engagement and a wide variety of approaches. The “click and submit” method is not nearly sufficient. I’ve heard other career professionals quote (and I have done so in the past) 80% of all jobs are not posted on job boards, but I don’t think it’s true. This article from the Wall Street Journal cites it too from 2013. I do think there’s a chunk of jobs not posted, and more existing because the employer hasn’t met you. Yet.

Realistic expectations don’t come naturally. You must insert them inside your strategy. I met my wife through her best friend, who I was dating at the time. As I mentioned, it wasn’t “love at first sight” for that reason. But her best friend and I didn’t work out, yet, I wasn’t focused on pursuing my future wife.

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Along the way your perspective will be challenged in many ways:

Downtime will challenge realistic expectations.

Dating is best when you have options. So is your job search. More people are searching for new opportunities, and if your job search is your “second job,” you won’t have much downtime. It does say you need to create some, and it’s challenging. Conversely, if you are unemployed, you have too much time and should create a schedule, a to-do list, and employ a multi-level approach. This means to create long-term career plans, not just to get the job now.

Get my free eGuide, “118 Job Search Tips for the Modern Job Seeker in 2018!”

Accountability sets realistic expectations.

Expanding and cultivating your network powers your job search. It is the tool to make your efforts meaningful and holistic. Invite people who are unabashedly truthful but empathetic as part of your team. Ask them to be truthful and reward them for it.

Informational interviews (business conversations) set realistic expectations.

Interviews with hiring managers fill in the blanks if you’re asking the right questions about the industry, the position, and the skills. When I became interested in my wife (a year removed from dating her best friend), I asked a lot of questions of our common friends. I didn’t want to come off desperate and knew they would report everything. If you go to an employer in a desperate state and ask for a job (that may not exist), you’re in the wrong mental space. Done right, it could enhance future conversations and interactions with other hiring managers, your resume, and your value. It’s intel for future conversations and real interviews unless they invite you to the party.

Continued learning will heighten realistic expectations.

Successful job candidates are perpetual learners. They find ways to add to his or her career arsenal and apply it their work, side hustles, or content. If you’re changing careers, standing out by teaching what you learned is a way to catch the eyes of recruiters or hiring managers since most people refuse to do everything that it takes. I think that was the turning point of my relationship, both of us learning and believing we’ll do what it takes.

Your spouse or partner will set realistic expectations in proper perspective.

Nothing sets reality in like the encouragement or discouragement from someone who intimately knows and depends on you. The beauty of having trust is embedded in your lives together even if they don’t understand completely what you do and how you do it. They will look at your life together and try to envision how it will look. I know many people find this the hardest, but it’s part of the part of the fabric.

Read 10 Ways Your Spouse Can Boost Your Career

Again, realistic expectations don’t happen on their own. There are pieces of the puzzle that must fit together for you to find the right employer, position, and life. After 27 years, I can tell you there is a constant reset of realistic expectations. We evolve and change as life brings us our next challenges. Your job search similarly will bring you a steady flow of caveats. You can’t do it alone. Plan to reset often.

This article was originally published at Jobs2Careers.com!

About Mark Anthony Dyson

7 Signs That A Moratorium On Marriage Has Occurred (Until You Find a Job)

Your spouse has given you at least 100 suggestions, hints, and clues that your search for a job are dormant. Static. An epic fail. You don’t get it. The issue isn’t the number of attempts. The issue could be you are not efficient, discipline, or effective in what you are doing.

If you are not yielding results like calls for interviews, or meeting people who can help you, it appears you are not doing enough. Even if, you argued that you have applied to 20 jobs today, the question remains: are you doing everything you can?

image: Douglas Bray

Your spouse sees that you are home more. Unfocused. Feeling sorry for yourself. Lacking the faith.

Slowly, the sky glazed with dark clouds that feel and looks like an attitude. What does it mean? Your spouse has inserted an unofficial moratorium on marriage activity. At least until you have gained traction on finding a job. Or at least, possess laser-like focus on obtaining results.

You, the victim in your spouses’ onslaught to teach you a lesson, think that this is revenge. This is a needed wake-up call.

Until there is daylight, your spouse has slowly purged the benefits you used to enjoy from your marriage. Although this is not the best way to support a spouse, you’re stuck with this response to your lack of response. The signs on the wall should offer clarity when you recognize the following:

1. Your spouse has stopped laughing at your jokes (or at least what used to make them laugh). Your situation has also stifled the joy out of your relationship. If it is not beneath you, self-deprecating humor would be better.

2. Your children and pets are receiving more affection than you. You can get a few more hugs or more by being forthcoming and accountable to your spouse. Let him or her give you advice, and you, the broke spouse, take the advice.

3. His or her parents are talking to you more than your spouse. Accept his or her parents advice too. This could be helpful, and you never know until you try. No, try the in-laws advice.

4. He or she is talking about the increased stressed. Are you at least taking on a part-time job, volunteering in using your skills, fervently networking, or doing the “side-hustle?”

5. You haven’t been called by your pet name since, well…forever! If your spouse only knew that you felt weak, discouraged, faithless, helpless, or closed in on leads, this too, will pass.

6. Intimate moments have dwindled to nanoseconds. See #5, and remember not to demand anything. This could make matters worse. Your renewed efforts and focus will be as sexy as the wedding day. Well, Ok, maybe not. But you’ll feel better about your relationship.

7. Get professional help. You may need a marriage coach and a job coach. But get the job coach first. Keep in mind you may need the marriage coach in the near future.

Our spouses are great career coaches. They can inspire us, or crush us with needed directness. Then we rise, and move forward as a better person. That is, upon accepting constructive criticism.

For most couples, this is a natural progression of how unemployment affects the relationship. It’s not permanent, and healthy marriages survive. Are you oblivious to the signs? Did I miss anything? Please feel free to comment below.