Marriage Archives - Page 2 of 3 - The Voice of Job Seekers

7 Signs That A Moratorium On Marriage Has Occurred (Until You Find a Job)

Your spouse has given you at least 100 suggestions, hints, and clues that your search for a job are dormant. Static. An epic fail. You don’t get it. The issue isn’t the number of attempts. The issue could be you are not efficient, discipline, or effective in what you are doing.

If you are not yielding results like calls for interviews, or meeting people who can help you, it appears you are not doing enough. Even if, you argued that you have applied to 20 jobs today, the question remains: are you doing everything you can?

image: Douglas Bray

Your spouse sees that you are home more. Unfocused. Feeling sorry for yourself. Lacking the faith.

Slowly, the sky glazed with dark clouds that feel and looks like an attitude. What does it mean? Your spouse has inserted an unofficial moratorium on marriage activity. At least until you have gained traction on finding a job. Or at least, possess laser-like focus on obtaining results.

You, the victim in your spouses’ onslaught to teach you a lesson, think that this is revenge. This is a needed wake-up call.

Until there is daylight, your spouse has slowly purged the benefits you used to enjoy from your marriage. Although this is not the best way to support a spouse, you’re stuck with this response to your lack of response. The signs on the wall should offer clarity when you recognize the following:

1. Your spouse has stopped laughing at your jokes (or at least what used to make them laugh). Your situation has also stifled the joy out of your relationship. If it is not beneath you, self-deprecating humor would be better.

2. Your children and pets are receiving more affection than you. You can get a few more hugs or more by being forthcoming and accountable to your spouse. Let him or her give you advice, and you, the broke spouse, take the advice.

3. His or her parents are talking to you more than your spouse. Accept his or her parents advice too. This could be helpful, and you never know until you try. No, try the in-laws advice.

4. He or she is talking about the increased stressed. Are you at least taking on a part-time job, volunteering in using your skills, fervently networking, or doing the “side-hustle?”

5. You haven’t been called by your pet name since, well…forever! If your spouse only knew that you felt weak, discouraged, faithless, helpless, or closed in on leads, this too, will pass.

6. Intimate moments have dwindled to nanoseconds. See #5, and remember not to demand anything. This could make matters worse. Your renewed efforts and focus will be as sexy as the wedding day. Well, Ok, maybe not. But you’ll feel better about your relationship.

7. Get professional help. You may need a marriage coach and a job coach. But get the job coach first. Keep in mind you may need the marriage coach in the near future.

Our spouses are great career coaches. They can inspire us, or crush us with needed directness. Then we rise, and move forward as a better person. That is, upon accepting constructive criticism.

For most couples, this is a natural progression of how unemployment affects the relationship. It’s not permanent, and healthy marriages survive. Are you oblivious to the signs? Did I miss anything? Please feel free to comment below.

About Mark Anthony Dyson

I am the "The Voice of Job Seekers!" I offer compassionate career and job search advice as I hack and re-imagine the job search process. You need to be "the prescription to an employer's job description." You must be solution-oriented and work in positions in companies where you are the remedy. Your job search must be a lifestyle, and your career must be in front of you constantly. You can no longer shed your aspirations at the change seasons. There are strengths you have that need constant use and development. Be sure you sign up to download my E-Book, "421 Modern Job Search Tips 2021!" You can find my career advice and work in media outlets such as Forbes, Inc., Fast Company, Harvard Business Review, Glassdoor, and many other outlets.

by Mark Anthony Dyson

When Family Hates The Career Path You Are Passionate About

People blame someone’s career path for break ups, or distancing them from love ones daily. The reality is that people separate themselves a career path. Your spouse may appear supportive about your career, but they abhor the effect it has on them.

You can have both a career passion and a strong marriage. It is the family’s burden to have one or the other. Success is contingent on comprehending the signs, and responding to them positively within the wishes of your loved ones. Listening to what family says, and communication forms the willingness to change, or see the writing on the wall:

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Your family hates your long hours and work life more than your job duties. I thought for a while that husbands are solely guilty of this, but over time, both spouses contend for understanding from each other. Listening is the best tool ever to discern what your spouse wants. Remember it’s the both of you sojourning this career path.
Your spouse may hate what your career does to you. Listen for symptoms that your spouse says about you, even as a joke or in passing: cranky, despondent, tired, disengaged, off into his or her own world, and emotional. These are symptoms, not the root of what your spouse is saying.
It is evident that job perks are more attractive that the job. Perks are acceptable when time and salary positively benefit everyone, but when it compromises and separates the family, it is a problem. If you are holding on to a career because of a perk, it’s time to find a new one.
When work is an issue that sacrifices family time. There is a time that work will need to be put to the side. Your bottom line intention is to feed your family. Unfortunately, undisciplined intentions interfere with family time, and family cohesion.
Neither you or your spouse has discussed the issue. If your spouse is building a separate life without you, it’s a serious problem. When both spouses are conflict avoiders, the behavior breeds anger. It says something about you, and more often the point of no return. You have to be the one to engage, listen, and change if this is unacceptable to you.

About Mark Anthony Dyson

by Mark Anthony Dyson

Marriage and the Unemployed Spouse

When one job-seeking unemployed spouse is out of work, it affects everyone in the family. Enough studies substantiate that affected married people feel loads of stress, and sometimes, the solutions are not easy.

I came across this study recently that connected distress and marriages with at least one unemployed spouse. This study was good for me to read, having experienced all of these hypothesizes, and found solutions that worked.

The study: Song Z, Foo M, Uy M, Sun S. “Unraveling the daily stress crossover between unemployed individuals and their employed spouses.” Journal of Applied Psychology. January 2011;96(1):151-168.

End-of-day distress of the employed spouse will relate positively to end-of-day distress of the unemployed spouse.

Perceived daily marital support will mediate the relationship between end-of-day distress of the employed spouse and end-of-day distress of the unemployed spouse.

Daily family hassles shared by spouses will be related to end-of-day distress of both spouses.

(a) Daily financial strain, (b) daily deprivation of time structure, and (c) daily negative search experience will be positively related to distress experienced by the unemployed spouse.5. (a) Daily work stress, (b) daily work–family conflict, and (c) daily family–work conflict will be positively related to end-of-day distress of the employed spouse.6. Marital satisfaction will moderate the stress crossover between spouses. Specifically, distress crossover between spouses will be stronger in unsatisfied than in satisfied marriages.

As I know that studies can be boring and direction-less, these are my suggestions to help diminish these particular distresses in a marriage.

Couples should learn to be affectionate early in the marriage, and be accepting of each others’ “crosses to bear” early in marriage. Complaining alone does not add up to openness. Openness alone will not result in resolution. Combination of either does not get you hired, but affection offers a world where two people can meet in the middle.
Support in a marriage includes being truthful when it hurts. Yes, it is painful at the time, but it is the beginning of healing. It could also include one spouse saying, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, keep trying.”
Young children should be a part of that refuge. During my unemployment grind eight years, playing with my little boys eased much of the pain. As everyone knows, children are not the place to unload nor an emotional dumping ground.
Unemployment can be a root of many problems: Lack of money, time management, and self-control. During stressful episodes, my wife and I learned to co-exist in areas of agreement, and was diligent about creating more opportunities to encourage each other. Agreeing takes more energy than to disagree, and it is more challenging sustain.
Frequent sharing of job hunting victories will show transparency, build trust, and release stress. It is another place of refuge in your during distressful times, especially for the spouse out of work.

Are you married and unemployed? Is your spouse unemployed, and you are the one carrying the financial load? Can you relate to any of these points?

Please share in the comments below.