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Marriage and the Unemployed Spouse

When one job-seeking unemployed spouse is out of work, it affects everyone in the family. Enough studies substantiate that affected married people feel loads of stress, and sometimes, the solutions are not easy.

I came across this study recently that connected distress and marriages with at least one unemployed spouse. This study was good for me to read, having experienced all of these hypothesizes, and found solutions that worked.

The study: Song Z, Foo M, Uy M, Sun S. “Unraveling the daily stress crossover between unemployed individuals and their employed spouses.” Journal of Applied Psychology. January 2011;96(1):151-168.

End-of-day distress of the employed spouse will relate positively to end-of-day distress of the unemployed spouse.

Perceived daily marital support will mediate the relationship between end-of-day distress of the employed spouse and end-of-day distress of the unemployed spouse.

Daily family hassles shared by spouses will be related to end-of-day distress of both spouses.

(a) Daily financial strain, (b) daily deprivation of time structure, and (c) daily negative search experience will be positively related to distress experienced by the unemployed spouse.5. (a) Daily work stress, (b) daily work–family conflict, and (c) daily family–work conflict will be positively related to end-of-day distress of the employed spouse.6. Marital satisfaction will moderate the stress crossover between spouses. Specifically, distress crossover between spouses will be stronger in unsatisfied than in satisfied marriages.

As I know that studies can be boring and direction-less, these are my suggestions to help diminish these particular distresses in a marriage.

Couples should learn to be affectionate early in the marriage, and be accepting of each others’ “crosses to bear” early in marriage. Complaining alone does not add up to openness. Openness alone will not result in resolution. Combination of either does not get you hired, but affection offers a world where two people can meet in the middle.
Support in a marriage includes being truthful when it hurts. Yes, it is painful at the time, but it is the beginning of healing. It could also include one spouse saying, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, keep trying.”
Young children should be a part of that refuge. During my unemployment grind eight years, playing with my little boys eased much of the pain. As everyone knows, children are not the place to unload nor an emotional dumping ground.
Unemployment can be a root of many problems: Lack of money, time management, and self-control. During stressful episodes, my wife and I learned to co-exist in areas of agreement, and was diligent about creating more opportunities to encourage each other. Agreeing takes more energy than to disagree, and it is more challenging sustain.
Frequent sharing of job hunting victories will show transparency, build trust, and release stress. It is another place of refuge in your during distressful times, especially for the spouse out of work.

Are you married and unemployed? Is your spouse unemployed, and you are the one carrying the financial load? Can you relate to any of these points?

Please share in the comments below.

by Mark Anthony Dyson

This 43 Year Old Job Seeker Fired Her Friends First

Diane is a 43-year-old job seeker and client that I see now and then. Diane in intentional, organized, and a bit of nerd. She is in no rush to find another job, even after leaving her nursing position, as her boss stated that her services were no longer needed. Unlike many who are let go, she was at peace leaving a job she loved.

Diane was not short on support from her best girlfriends, although, it wasn’t the kind she desired. Toby, one her best long-time girlfriends said, “Girl, I would be upset if that were me. I would cry, scream, yell, and be depressed. They were so wrong in firing you girl.” Toby could not comprehend that Diane left amicably.

Diane celebrated her departure, and never mourned the loss of her job. She visited family, served them, loved them, and cared for them. She works out, got in shape, and looks at least ten years younger. She was taking care of herself.

Another best girlfriend Charlie said, “Diane, how can you be so calm when your child is in college, and you don’t have a job? Girl, aren’t you feeling desperate about now? Shouldn’t you be hitting the street? Shouldn’t you receive unemployment by now?” Charlie couldn’t comprehend that Diane is at peace, and has moved on.

Diane had some savings and is quite secure with her situation. She even joked that only her parents and I understood her goals. Everybody else seems more desperate about Diane’s situation than Diane.

Diane and I have very relaxed coaching sessions, even once when she was on vacation in Miami over the phone (by the way, she was on vacation by herself). Diane determined to step-up her job search– when Diane was ready (she was on vacation by herself).

Sharon was Diane’s lifelong friend, also a nurse was hired and let go by the same doctor a year before Diane left. Sharon said, “Girl, I am suing this man for everything he has! I am going to make him pay! He was wrong! He hurt my career! We should sue him together!” Diane listened to her friend rant about revenge for several days. She called me a couple of days later to request an emergency coaching session over the phone.

Diane: I decided that I need to make three major changes in my life before I start job hunting.

Me: Three? (At that moment, I thought she was going to cancel the rest of her coaching sessions)

Diane: Yes. I am searching for three new friends. I have fired Toby, Charlie, and Sharon. Can I do that?

Diane has since employed new friends, and she has stepped up her job search efforts, as a happier job seeker.

by Mark Anthony Dyson

Five Resources to Help Correct Resume Grammar Errors

It is critical to correct all résumé grammar errors. Résumés, cover letters, or any job-related need perpetual scrutiny to ensure an error-free document. The below resources can help anyone achieve perfection, or at least close to it.

Grammarly.com

Grammarly is an online grammar corrector that will identify more than 150 common errors if you purchase a paid subscription. Out of the many online grammar checkers, this checker will alert the writer to plagiarism issues. Grammarly offers detailed explanations of why corrections may need to be made, plus examples to compare. I had a chance to try the paid subscription version and found it to be worth the money (ok, I was privvy’d and received an exclusive deal to try it). It catches your usual “your and you’re,” “co-workers and coworkers,” and “it’s and its” errors. I did not expect it to offer extensive synonym suggestions, and catch small article errors. Grammarly sees bullet points as errors and is perfect for bloggers who won’t have to worry about Microsoft codes from Grammarly. I was also pleasantly surprised that it caught so many passive voice phrases. I consider it a superb tool for any writer, especially for writing a résumé.

Polishmywriting.com (After The Deadline)

After The Deadline is advantageous for shorter bits of writing, and not specifically for résumé writing. Although, it would be a strong complement to using any grammar and spell check, especially in catching passive voice errors. The limited correction suggestions are somewhat comparable to Word (Oh, the check puts accents on résumé. Just saying!).

The other issue in using this checker is the word suggestions for synonyms.

In this case, “identify” was underlined and ATD offered synonym replacements: find, name, and show. I suppose if you want additional simplicity in your writing it’s helpful, but for resumes may be a hindrance for keyword usage. I would still recommend it as a way to have a second pair of eyes you normally wouldn’t have.

The Elements of Résumé Style by Scott Bennett

Many résumé writers use this constantly, and I take it almost everywhere I go. I haven’t memorized all the latest trends or practices, and this book helps as a quick reference. It contains grammar usage rules, lists of action verbs, statements, position descriptions, and words and phrases to avoid.

This week, another résumé writer that I knew asked me an opinion on a résumé of the use of italics. I verified in Mr. Bennett’s book that italics is not a correct résumé practice unless you are citing a publication. Some résumé writers whine about how résumés are not true formal writing, as the rules suggests. The truth is that résumés lean towards, if not epitomize, formal writing rules. This book helps the writer hit the mark.

Strunk and White: The Elements of Style

This book is another travel companion I take anywhere that I work away from home. Most people who struggle with condensing sentences should skip right to the “Elementary Principles of Composition” chapter. This gives you the down and dirty in trimming the excess and unnecessary words. I’ll admit it is not an easy read, which is why studying it is futile.

This book can help concisely write highly technical passages. Although technical descriptions are lengthier than ordinary descriptions, the reader doesn’t need a book to read.

Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing

I recommend this publication because it is an entertaining version of Strunk & White with a palatable presentation. You can download her podcast tips on iTunes (there are at least 100 tips currently loaded). If you have high and middle school age children, they can benefit from listening to the podcasts.

The last three publications are small books you can carry around and are less than $10 through Amazon. You can find them at the library if you don’t want to purchase them, although I recommend buying each of them.

Oh Yeah, about the giveaway

Congratulations to Marlene Garth in winning a copy of the The 11 Laws of Likability by Michelle Tillis Lederman. However, I HAVE ANOTHER COPY to giveaway. You can win a copy by simply doing one of three things.

You can read my review of the book, and either comment on the review link, Re-Tweet the review link and add @MarkADyson, or post the review link on Facebook and tag me at Facebook.com/Mark.A.Dyson.

I would like to announce a new winner on Thursday’s post, so good luck to all. It is a valuable book for job seekers in expanding one’s thinking about networking for business and jobs. Being “liked” is the center of all successful transactions and partnerships, and Michelle offers workable strategies to achieve “likability.”